I AM FAR TOO VOYEURISTIC FOR MY OWN GODDAMN GOOD.

Wow. So. I've been incredibly busy this winter break. All I do is work it seems, and yet, I'm still struggling.

My senior class is traveling to Los Angeles for the entire first week of February for the LA Actors Connection right in the midst of pilot season. We will stay for the entire week and participate in workshops with casting directors and the like. This is not only a wonderful opportunity to meet people and (somewhat) gain exposure, but I feel as though this week in LA will offer a lot of research in terms of where I need to focus my career. Do I want to pursue my career in the Hollywood area? Am I ready? Am I right for LA? All those things. I've never been on a plane. I've never been to LA. I am more than excited to go.

However, this trip is crazy expensive. I've bought plane tickets and have paid my down payment for the workshops/hotels...but it still feels as though I need a million dollars...and I am a bit behind on my bills. I paid for the tickets and the down payment instead of paying my rent. I'll have enough, and I know it will all work out, but it's beginning to get a bit frustrating. I actually wish I could work MORE. We aren't allowed to go into overtime at the OG, but if we were I would be doing it non-stop right now because only working forty hours isn't cutting it. I feel as though corporate should not care about servers getting overtime. I make 2.13 an hour. I don't get a paycheck because taxes eat up the little I actually do make. In the end, how much I make in tips could really only affect me tax wise...Anyway.

Last year at this time, I sort of felt the same way. I was working overtime (they allowed me to because we were so short staffed). All I wanted to do was work because, well, I needed to. My wallet was stolen the day after Christmas that year, and I had to work so, so much to make up for everything that was in it. I remember sort of hating my life because working at OG is so unfulfilling, and so frustrating at times. I remember always being sore and tired. I am still sore and tired...but having this goal of making it to LA is driving me to keep going. Part of me wishes I could sit back and relax over break. Part of me is resentful of those who can. The rest of me, however, knows I cannot stop. I've been working since I was fourteen. Always because I felt I needed to, for whatever reason. All of this work will pay off. I know it will, but sometimes I fear that working like this will take over everything.

There are a million auditions going on right now and I want to go to every single one of them. The parts are all paid too, but then I tell myself...For now, you shouldn't go to this audition because you know what you make at OG, and what if you make less at the show and can't afford x and y and z? What if they won't let you have all those days off? And I try to console myself by saying...this sacrifice is "just for now." You can audition later, when x and y and z are okay. And then I think...what if they are NEVER okay...and what if I get stuck at OG because I NEVER go on these auditions because of some excuse...because "just for now" is acting all crazy? I have to make this work. I have to act. I cannot be a career server. I cannot not leave or move on or risk auditioning because I am afraid of money things. I more afraid of being a server for the rest of my life than I am of being poor. Things are going to work out.

Anyway - another frustration I have is that because I'm working so much at OG, I haven't been working on monologues or reading plays or really doing much of anything pertaining to my career. Last night the urge to work on monologues hit me so strongly at about two in the morning...but I made myself go to bed because I had to be up super early to pass out salads and soups and bread sticks. I think my ultimate problem is balance. Balancing time. I KNOW I can fit everything in if I quit wasting time doing things that don't matter to me...like meandering about the internet or watching TV and other lame things. I think learning and applying this is my main goal for 2010. Anyway (GOD ever since I read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close I say "anyway" far too many times that I ever should. Anyway (!) )

On another note (sort of and maybe) I've recently been encouraged to write by a mentor who visited our class in early November. Now, I've always wanted to act for as long as I can remember, but writing has been somewhere in the mix too. (I tried to write my first movie for my friends and me to star in when I was in third grade, and I was somewhat miffed when word got out that I was doing it and then everyone else started doing it too...). Anyway. This is something else I would like to work on this year. I have a few ideas for movie scripts and the like, but I never write them down, but I'm going to start doing so now. Everyday...I am going to write something non-blog/journal like. Anyway.

I just started listening to the wonder that is Billy Joel a second ago and these lines from Piano Man seem to fit me right now:


Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"


Oh and also on one last note : I AM FAR TOO VOYEURISTIC FOR MY OWN GODDAMN GOOD. ;)