Wow. So I haven't written in forever. A few weeks ago Comcast shut me down for being so delinquent with my bill.
Money has been going crazy again. It goes crazy so often that I have to wonder what I am doing that is not allowing my finances to remain somewhat steady and stable. I feel like there must be some personal block or saboteur inside of me that keeps this problem present. I'm either extremely well off with money, or scarily broke. It is not steady. This is going to change.
Anyway. I took out a loan this week for $1500 so I could pay my bills and go to L.A. with my senior class. I feel wonderful about it and extremely proud at how tenacious I was in finding a way to get this loan (and I actually got one from a reputable place). I also opened a student credit card, and got my tax money back early.
Whomp, whomp. All of this is sounding a bit boring. ANYWAY
I am going to LA, classes have started, and I am madly in love!
Classes are SO wonderful this semester. Last semester the only acting class I took was Acting for the Camera and this semester I am taking nothing but theatre classes and it is all so magical in the most wonderful way. I missed them. I feel as though I found my niche in film acting, but I aspire so badly to improve my stage skills. I recently found some this amazing documentary of Uta Hagen teaching and it inspires me so much. The ultimate goal of acting on film and acting on stage is the same. Both require vulnerability, honesty, empathy, love, trust, and work...but how you attain these goals and the techniques that get you there are different in the two mediums.
Anyway. I am in love with my Techniques of Michael Chekhov class and my archetypes class. As cliche and as "actor-y" as it may sound...they are moving me spiritually.
Each week in Archetypes we draw a card from the Archetypes deck. Our teacher throws them on the floor and someone scatters them about. You then pick up one you feel drawn to. Once you pick one, you share the card with the class and try to see how it currently relates to your life. Each archetype has a light side (positive) and a shadow (negative).This week I chose The Vampire. The light side of the vampire recognizes when someone or something is draining one of their life force. When manifested negatively, the shadow of the vampire reveals itself by feeding off of others' psychic energy to sustain their own. Complaining too much and co-dependency result.
I recently had to cut someone out of my life who was weighing me down heavily and robbing me of my peace. He would text me incessantly. He would follow me around work. I couldn't log on to facebook without being bombarded via chat by him. He would tell the people we work with that "I've kept him in limbo for years" and every action I had that was not immediately in his favor he would turn around and tell everyone I was being mean to him or something trite like that. I've been heavily annoyed by him for a while, but I knew he liked me and I did not want to hurt his feelings. I thought I had been pretty clear about how I felt towards him. Everyone knew I was not into him in that way, and they told him. (Yes - I recognize that I should have told him myself from the beginning.) He crossed the line though when he drunkenly attacked one of my co-workers via facebook chat and sent them links of specific pictures I had taken one night with someone else we work with. He implied to this person that the friend in the photos and I were dating, and he was oh so sad and the like. Being my friend on facebook is a privilege. I share things I like with people I like, but if you are going to stalk me and send links to people I barely talk to while simultaneously starting rumors and disrespecting not only me, but the relationship that I actually AM in. Then...I don't want anything to do with you and I am not going to pretend to be your friend for the sake of not hurting your feelings. I am over it.
GAH. This sounds so middle school like. Anyway. The Vampire Card reminded me of him. I don't handle people who cross boundaries too quickly well. Actually - I just don't like them.
Anyway - in terms of the shadow... I never want to be one of these boundary crossing leeches. But I do complain. And I can be co-dependent. But neither of these things serve me as a person, and I am going to watch out for them more.
ANYWAY. I am so excited for L.A. AND I AM SO so so so so excited and in love with so so so many things. in different ways. LOVE. <3
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Well, well...things are so wonderful right now. Something about life is different. It seems to be what I want it to be in a weird way. I feel as though I've been trying to get on a bike for the past few months (years possibly) that refused to move, and now all of a sudden I'm riding it. Of course, it's going to be bumpy at times, but I happy to be moving now! Something is...flowing? Energy? I'm not sure, but the wheels are most definitely turning.
One bump I hit recently was with a show I auditioned for a few weeks ago. I thought I had done well in the audition. I thought I had a shot, and I really wanted to be a part of it. However, I was not cast. I know that as an actor I'm going to hear "no" a million times for various reasons, but it still doesn't make hearing it now any easier. My confidence took a small blow. I'll get over it. What is meant to be will happen. In the mean time I need to focus on perfecting my craft. I need to work and keep auditioning.
One bump I hit recently was with a show I auditioned for a few weeks ago. I thought I had done well in the audition. I thought I had a shot, and I really wanted to be a part of it. However, I was not cast. I know that as an actor I'm going to hear "no" a million times for various reasons, but it still doesn't make hearing it now any easier. My confidence took a small blow. I'll get over it. What is meant to be will happen. In the mean time I need to focus on perfecting my craft. I need to work and keep auditioning.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I AM FAR TOO VOYEURISTIC FOR MY OWN GODDAMN GOOD.
Wow. So. I've been incredibly busy this winter break. All I do is work it seems, and yet, I'm still struggling.
My senior class is traveling to Los Angeles for the entire first week of February for the LA Actors Connection right in the midst of pilot season. We will stay for the entire week and participate in workshops with casting directors and the like. This is not only a wonderful opportunity to meet people and (somewhat) gain exposure, but I feel as though this week in LA will offer a lot of research in terms of where I need to focus my career. Do I want to pursue my career in the Hollywood area? Am I ready? Am I right for LA? All those things. I've never been on a plane. I've never been to LA. I am more than excited to go.
However, this trip is crazy expensive. I've bought plane tickets and have paid my down payment for the workshops/hotels...but it still feels as though I need a million dollars...and I am a bit behind on my bills. I paid for the tickets and the down payment instead of paying my rent. I'll have enough, and I know it will all work out, but it's beginning to get a bit frustrating. I actually wish I could work MORE. We aren't allowed to go into overtime at the OG, but if we were I would be doing it non-stop right now because only working forty hours isn't cutting it. I feel as though corporate should not care about servers getting overtime. I make 2.13 an hour. I don't get a paycheck because taxes eat up the little I actually do make. In the end, how much I make in tips could really only affect me tax wise...Anyway.
Last year at this time, I sort of felt the same way. I was working overtime (they allowed me to because we were so short staffed). All I wanted to do was work because, well, I needed to. My wallet was stolen the day after Christmas that year, and I had to work so, so much to make up for everything that was in it. I remember sort of hating my life because working at OG is so unfulfilling, and so frustrating at times. I remember always being sore and tired. I am still sore and tired...but having this goal of making it to LA is driving me to keep going. Part of me wishes I could sit back and relax over break. Part of me is resentful of those who can. The rest of me, however, knows I cannot stop. I've been working since I was fourteen. Always because I felt I needed to, for whatever reason. All of this work will pay off. I know it will, but sometimes I fear that working like this will take over everything.
There are a million auditions going on right now and I want to go to every single one of them. The parts are all paid too, but then I tell myself...For now, you shouldn't go to this audition because you know what you make at OG, and what if you make less at the show and can't afford x and y and z? What if they won't let you have all those days off? And I try to console myself by saying...this sacrifice is "just for now." You can audition later, when x and y and z are okay. And then I think...what if they are NEVER okay...and what if I get stuck at OG because I NEVER go on these auditions because of some excuse...because "just for now" is acting all crazy? I have to make this work. I have to act. I cannot be a career server. I cannot not leave or move on or risk auditioning because I am afraid of money things. I more afraid of being a server for the rest of my life than I am of being poor. Things are going to work out.
Anyway - another frustration I have is that because I'm working so much at OG, I haven't been working on monologues or reading plays or really doing much of anything pertaining to my career. Last night the urge to work on monologues hit me so strongly at about two in the morning...but I made myself go to bed because I had to be up super early to pass out salads and soups and bread sticks. I think my ultimate problem is balance. Balancing time. I KNOW I can fit everything in if I quit wasting time doing things that don't matter to me...like meandering about the internet or watching TV and other lame things. I think learning and applying this is my main goal for 2010. Anyway (GOD ever since I read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close I say "anyway" far too many times that I ever should. Anyway (!) )
On another note (sort of and maybe) I've recently been encouraged to write by a mentor who visited our class in early November. Now, I've always wanted to act for as long as I can remember, but writing has been somewhere in the mix too. (I tried to write my first movie for my friends and me to star in when I was in third grade, and I was somewhat miffed when word got out that I was doing it and then everyone else started doing it too...). Anyway. This is something else I would like to work on this year. I have a few ideas for movie scripts and the like, but I never write them down, but I'm going to start doing so now. Everyday...I am going to write something non-blog/journal like. Anyway.
I just started listening to the wonder that is Billy Joel a second ago and these lines from Piano Man seem to fit me right now:
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"
Oh and also on one last note : I AM FAR TOO VOYEURISTIC FOR MY OWN GODDAMN GOOD. ;)
My senior class is traveling to Los Angeles for the entire first week of February for the LA Actors Connection right in the midst of pilot season. We will stay for the entire week and participate in workshops with casting directors and the like. This is not only a wonderful opportunity to meet people and (somewhat) gain exposure, but I feel as though this week in LA will offer a lot of research in terms of where I need to focus my career. Do I want to pursue my career in the Hollywood area? Am I ready? Am I right for LA? All those things. I've never been on a plane. I've never been to LA. I am more than excited to go.
However, this trip is crazy expensive. I've bought plane tickets and have paid my down payment for the workshops/hotels...but it still feels as though I need a million dollars...and I am a bit behind on my bills. I paid for the tickets and the down payment instead of paying my rent. I'll have enough, and I know it will all work out, but it's beginning to get a bit frustrating. I actually wish I could work MORE. We aren't allowed to go into overtime at the OG, but if we were I would be doing it non-stop right now because only working forty hours isn't cutting it. I feel as though corporate should not care about servers getting overtime. I make 2.13 an hour. I don't get a paycheck because taxes eat up the little I actually do make. In the end, how much I make in tips could really only affect me tax wise...Anyway.
Last year at this time, I sort of felt the same way. I was working overtime (they allowed me to because we were so short staffed). All I wanted to do was work because, well, I needed to. My wallet was stolen the day after Christmas that year, and I had to work so, so much to make up for everything that was in it. I remember sort of hating my life because working at OG is so unfulfilling, and so frustrating at times. I remember always being sore and tired. I am still sore and tired...but having this goal of making it to LA is driving me to keep going. Part of me wishes I could sit back and relax over break. Part of me is resentful of those who can. The rest of me, however, knows I cannot stop. I've been working since I was fourteen. Always because I felt I needed to, for whatever reason. All of this work will pay off. I know it will, but sometimes I fear that working like this will take over everything.
There are a million auditions going on right now and I want to go to every single one of them. The parts are all paid too, but then I tell myself...For now, you shouldn't go to this audition because you know what you make at OG, and what if you make less at the show and can't afford x and y and z? What if they won't let you have all those days off? And I try to console myself by saying...this sacrifice is "just for now." You can audition later, when x and y and z are okay. And then I think...what if they are NEVER okay...and what if I get stuck at OG because I NEVER go on these auditions because of some excuse...because "just for now" is acting all crazy? I have to make this work. I have to act. I cannot be a career server. I cannot not leave or move on or risk auditioning because I am afraid of money things. I more afraid of being a server for the rest of my life than I am of being poor. Things are going to work out.
Anyway - another frustration I have is that because I'm working so much at OG, I haven't been working on monologues or reading plays or really doing much of anything pertaining to my career. Last night the urge to work on monologues hit me so strongly at about two in the morning...but I made myself go to bed because I had to be up super early to pass out salads and soups and bread sticks. I think my ultimate problem is balance. Balancing time. I KNOW I can fit everything in if I quit wasting time doing things that don't matter to me...like meandering about the internet or watching TV and other lame things. I think learning and applying this is my main goal for 2010. Anyway (GOD ever since I read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close I say "anyway" far too many times that I ever should. Anyway (!) )
On another note (sort of and maybe) I've recently been encouraged to write by a mentor who visited our class in early November. Now, I've always wanted to act for as long as I can remember, but writing has been somewhere in the mix too. (I tried to write my first movie for my friends and me to star in when I was in third grade, and I was somewhat miffed when word got out that I was doing it and then everyone else started doing it too...). Anyway. This is something else I would like to work on this year. I have a few ideas for movie scripts and the like, but I never write them down, but I'm going to start doing so now. Everyday...I am going to write something non-blog/journal like. Anyway.
I just started listening to the wonder that is Billy Joel a second ago and these lines from Piano Man seem to fit me right now:
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"
Oh and also on one last note : I AM FAR TOO VOYEURISTIC FOR MY OWN GODDAMN GOOD. ;)
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