The Destroyer :)

Today I am cleaning and throwing away so many things that I can't hold on to any longer...and it feels so great!

I'm getting ready to move out in about a month. I want to sell everything I own, and what I don't sell I will either throw or give away depending on its condition.

I have acquired a lot of stuff over the years...and it feels so nice to throw away things...to let them go!

Sigh - it makes me feel fresh and new and free. I like it.

I think I am going to go through my clothes next. I have a lot of clothes I don't wear or that are damaged that I keep because I like the material and think I might be able to make something out of it or find a use for it. No more. I'm letting it go for the most part.

When I'm done with that I am going to have some coffee and do some homework and things.

Woo!

New Video From The Wafflettes!

The Wafflettes are now on Myspace!


Anyhoo - I would much rather spend my days working on Wafflettes things, or filming movies, writing movies, auditioning, and the like rather than doing what is required of me at the moment : a theatre history exam.

Don't get me wrong - it is a fascinating subject, but I just feel like my foot is halfway out the door with school. I just want to focus on my career. I should have taken this class last year when senioritus was not such an issue!

butyeah!

CHECK OUT THE MYSPACE.

Last Thursday I drew "The Victim" card in archetypes. The light being "preventing yourself or others from being victimized." The shadow being, essentially, "playing the victim."

And throughout the week, I have seen the presence of this card. Over the weekend, I told Noah the story of this creepy guy who keeps asking me to be his friend on Facebook. I met him a few years ago, in the height of whatever delusional/depressive episode I was going through. He was friends with some people who lived on the first floor of my building, and they were constantly smoking on the stoop - so I saw them a lot.

I started telling Noah about this guy as a way to laugh it off, and be all like..Blah who is this guy -

But as I told the story of the one and only time we hung out - I went to a place I didn't even really know existed, I guess.

The night we hung out, we got drunk, and I told him that I would not sleep with him, but that he could stay over if he needed to...and then he basically molested me in my sleep. In the morning, he had written down his number with a message to call him. I didn't, but I later found his phone tucked away under my bed.

Anyway - I never felt too badly about the situation, and figured he probably didn't even remember what happened. But - he keeps requesting to be my friend online, and telling Noah about it made me realize how creepy the whole thing is. So I wrote him a note telling him how I felt (nothing sappy - cause it's not a sappy situation.)

I never felt like a victim in this situation - but, I guess I was in a way, and Noah helped me see that and encouraged me to stand up to him so that he wouldn't treat other girls this way.

Also - this week I have come to discover that a lot of folks whom I considered to be pretty good friends did some pretty shitty things while Noah and I were going through a rough time.

I was heartbroken, and would confide in them...tell them how horrible I felt...how much I still loved Noah, etc. They would sit and listen. Promise me not to say anything to Noah. Say they understood and that it was okay when I told them to just tell me to shut up about it if it was too much.

Well - apparently these folks would later go to Noah and chide me for talking to them about him. Which was a breach of trust on multiple levels. I told them not to tell anyone - INCLUDING Noah - what I was saying or that I was lamenting so fiercely. And they went straight to Noah to tell him about it, and to mock me. Thanks, guys.

I also found out that these same people also tried to fuck Noah.

GREAT.

Now, I realize that these people are probably closer to Noah than they are to me - but they never had to pretend to be my friend and hear me out. Pretend that their shoulder was open to me, when it never was and they just wanted to screw the guy I was crying over.

I want to let these people know that I know. Let them know how they made me feel and how shitty they are - but at the same time I don't want to start any drama. It was a while ago - and sadly enough I still care about these people.

But now I know they never really cared that much about me.

SO THANKS GUYS. Bleh.

So Many! So much!

Wow - this past week has been pretty amazing. I have so much to do and I love all of it! Again though - I'm stumped with the question of where to begin. :)

Some fun things:

A film I got cast in a few years ago that never got made is being revived! I got to keep my part and we begin filming this Saturday! I met with one of the directors this past weekend to go over costume and character and the like. She is so so nice/and so so awesome. I made a frame that my character has, and I need to get all the clothes I'm wearing in order. Not to mention I need to keep working on the script and character.

AND ALSO on Saturday night - I will be performing once again with the lovely Orgasmic Rush of Lust at Bowtie. John called me last weekend and asked if I could step in for gender bender night as an emergency since someone dropped very last minute. SO I will be playing Rocky! (And my lovely boyfriend is Columbia). I bought most of the things I need costume wise today, but I still need to piece it together and possibly sew some things. I got some fun make up, too! I also need to watch the movie again and go over blocking.

I've also been practicing juggling a lot lately, and I'm getting really, really good! A few months ago Chip Bolcik, a voice over master, came to do some work shops with us. While there he filmed a faux comedic commercial for a product called Flacidux. Now he is coming back to help us finish our voice over demos AND to make another commercial! AND he asked me to be in it! It is circus themed! And I get to juggle! This is so exciting, and I am so happy he asked me. I'm also helping out with costumes. :)

AND there is a chance I may have booked a voice over gig for a website designing company looking for "tween" girl voices. I sent in a sample of mine and they emailed me back asking for my day rate...which doesn't necessarily mean yes, but I can't wait to here back from them!

AND AND AND on top of ALL these wonderful things - I still have a million things to do for showcase and a million things to do for school. But it is all doable! And they are all things I love.

I find it so funny that as soon as I let go of my other job - Olive Garden...let go of the fear and all the other things that held me there...things like this have started pouring in. It makes me even more confident in my decision.

OH AND ONE MORE LAST, BUT NOT LEAST THING:

Malorie and I made another video! Check it out!


We have some new ones in the works! Love!

La la

Wow- having so much free time on my hands is amazing! I finally have time to do all the things I want and love -

The only semi bad thing is:

I don't know where to begin!

Let's see -

I need to get more things together for the character Heather I am playing in a film - and contact the directors to see when they would like to meet this weekend.

I need to work on my archetypes file, due April 6th.

I need begin scoring and incorporating 4 to 6 archetypes into a monologue I am working on to present on Tuesday.

I need to make cards for The Wafflettes.

I need to make T shirts for our next video. (YOUTUBE.COM/USER/THEWAFFLETTES ! )

I need to work on my scene from Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf for Chekhov.

I need to work and also find a million monologues for showcase.

I need to work on my dead diva's project for theatre history (I'm doing Audrey Hepburn!)

I need/want to research a million things for things and ideas not related to classwork.

I need to find voice over material for tomorrow.


I'm sure I'm missing something here.

ALSO - I GOT THE BEST CARD IN ARCHETYPES CLASS TODAY (They are sort of like drawing Tarot Cards.)

I got The Visionary:

Shadow Attributes: Selling insights to the highest bidder. Compromising your vision to make it more acceptable.

Light Attributes: Capacity to envision what is not yet conceivable to others. Willingness to proclaim a vision without regard for personal gain.

I am so so so so so so so excited I drew this card. I have so many ideas for scripts and art pieces, and my mind is SO much clearer now that I'm not stressing out over salad and breadsticks and large parties at the Olive Garden anymore. I need to get these down on paper ASAP. I've always been told that I see things that others don't notice or differently from most folks (I'm sure everyone in the whole wide world thinks this of themselves.) And sometimes I feel extremely misunderstood AND/OR not represented as a person in many forms of media - ha, if that makes sense - like...film, or books.

Anyway. Ha - I don't know how else to elaborate. I just want to create the things I've been dreaming of, and have them speak to people. Feel the things I feel,sometimes...that everyone feels..I guess.

ANYWAYWE'LLSEE!

Also - Tomorrow I get to go see WICKED! YES.

aannnd now I'm off to put the above to do list in some sort of order and see what needs to be done most immediately.

LOVE

It's time to trust my instincts...and leap.

So, last Saturday I finally quit my job. I hit my breaking point.

When I went to work last Tuesday, all I wanted to do was quit. It was so sunny outside, and I didn't want to be in that dreadful restaurant. The urge to quit was so powerful - even though nothing terribly bad had happened. I talked to some of my co-workers about it, and they told me to cut back on hours, but to stay until June. I kept sneaking in the bathroom to call my therapist and my boyfriend, and they were both supportive of whatever I chose to do.

I called out on Wednesday, had someone work for me on Thursday, and was off on Friday.

Wednesday - I found a four leaf clover in the park.
Thursday - I found a magical park decorated with knitted pom poms and yarn.
And Friday I got a check in the mail from the V.A. which was $1000 more than I was expecting, and the urge to quit came back.

The thought of putting on my uniform made me feel gross. I thought about it all night, and emailed the Birces. Before I went to bed, I thought about asking the Universe/God for guidance - but then felt silly doing so, because, well, the urge was so powerful that I knew that I already knew the answer and to ask again would just be redundant...and possibly a slap in the face to whatever was giving me this feeling.

I feel asleep. Dreamed I quit.

And then I woke up. Was I going to get ready for work, or was I going to go in and quit. Again, I thought about the uniform, and how uncomfortable and gross the thought of putting it on made me feel.

So I put on a pretty orange dress instead and drove in to work early in order to quit!

I was worried that I would get nervous and maybe even scared, the closer I for to work...but...the closer I got...the more excited I got! I wanted to drive faster! Get it done and be free!

And I did. I got there, and talked to my manager - who was surprisingly nice and supportive.

Once it was all done I got in my car and cried - a good cry, and my heart felt so happy! I finally gave my heart exactly what it wanted and it was singing and jumping and crying with joy!

I got the exorcism card in archetypes class before spring break, so I told my teacher about quitting and how it tied in with the card. At the end of class she told me that quitting was probably the best thing I could have done, because I was happier and had more energy in class than I had had all semester.

And now I have time to do the things I actually care about. Now I have time to devote to theatre and art...and to enjoy the sunshine and to sort of get to know myself again. I know that sounds like a bit much - but when you've been at a job, for nearly 3 years at 5 days a week...a job that leaves you utterly lifeless and can turn the best day into the worst...where everyone yells at you...and is negative...it drains you. and makes it hard to focus.

I got (another) unexpected amount of money in the mail yesterday from the V.A. and I have enough to move out to Los Angeles in June. AND I am lucky enough to get to go with the person I love most in the whole wide world. I am so excited...and I feel so incredibly lucky. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, universe! I hope you know I am wildly and madly in love with you.

!!!


This song came to me after I quit:


I get to see Wicked this Friday!!! Yay